It is amazing to me how fast my mind goes. I wish people could step inside my head and listen to the constant thought process and basic noise I seem to constantly be making. For 8 hours a day I have no one to talk to out loud. I do talk via the internet with a few people but actual speaking does not take place. When I am not talking and entertaining people my mind seems to go completely crazy. I have tried to meditate. I have tried praying. I have tried thinking about nothing…….all that gets me doing is defining what nothing is the whole time so I can avoid thinking about it.
So I sit here all day long thinking non-stop the entire day. My mind wonders from time to time on different subjects but it never seems to stop. It is almost like having that white noise from tv turned up full blast all day long with no way to turn it off.
This would be fine if not for the fact that when the kids get home and I can talk to someone my brain still doesnt stop even when I am trying to have a conversation with them. Add in the sound of the TV and airplanes flying over my head and trains and cars going by the house and you have the perfect storm for my head to explode.
I just want actual quiet in my mind. I want to be able to control the voices in my head. I wish it were someone elses voice I was hearing instead of my own.
Am I going crazy? Are these the rantings of a doomed human being?
Next post will be all about my sleep issues….. they are huge and possibly the biggest reason for my this and previous posts.
Ha! I think you and I are sharing some brain waves here…. kind of scary….
(But I only have 6 hours of being alone, thinking, and going crazy.)
I imagine most stay at home parents go through these same feelings….. I dont know how women have and continue to do it year after year. I know men have no idea what a complete drain it is on a mental basis.