The Conservative Buckeye

Something weird happened when I got married my sleeping pattern changed and I started having “issues”.

When I say “issues” I may be under stating the problem. I sleep walk and have nightmares and reoccuring dreams every night. The main one is I am attacked by NINJAs every night. Sometimes there are large snakes in the room trying to bite me. I have one that happens often where I am in a gun fight but no matter how hard I pull the trigger my gun wont fire.

I wake up constantly fighting my pillow or the bed posts or the wall. I have fallen out of bed trying to get away so many times that I have it down to a science the only problem is my bed is 4 ft off the ground and on a hard wood floor OUCH.

Bottom line is I havent had a good nights sleep in years and I dont see it changing anytime soon. I just want to sleep a whole night without tossing and turning or waking up from being attacked.

Is this too much to ask?

It is amazing to me how fast my mind goes. I wish people could step inside my head and listen to the constant thought process and basic noise I seem to constantly be making. For 8 hours a day I have no one to talk to out loud. I do talk via the internet with a few people but actual speaking does not take place. When I am not talking and entertaining people my mind seems to go completely crazy. I have tried to meditate. I have tried praying. I have tried thinking about nothing…….all that gets me doing is defining what nothing is the whole time so I can avoid thinking about it.

So I sit here all day long thinking non-stop the entire day. My mind wonders from time to time on different subjects but it never seems to stop. It is almost like having that white noise from tv turned up full blast all day long with no way to turn it off.

This would be fine if not for the fact that when the kids get home and I can talk to someone my brain still doesnt stop even when I am trying to have a conversation with them. Add in the sound of the TV and airplanes flying over my head and trains and cars going by the house and you have the perfect storm for my head to explode.

I just want actual quiet in my mind. I want to be able to control the voices in my head. I wish it were someone elses voice I was hearing instead of my own.

Am I going crazy? Are these the rantings of a doomed human being?

Next post will be all about my sleep issues….. they are huge and possibly the biggest reason for my this and previous posts.

I sit here on my computer right now the kids were in school all day and then I took them to tennis practice. We met Deanna for dinner at a new Thai food restaurant called Thai Foon. It was only open a few days so they have some kinks to work out but the food was really good and inexpensive. Eli and Reagan are doing their homework late tonight because after tennis and dinner Eli had cub scouts and of coarse Reagan had to go to.

I digress because mostly I wanted to post today because I have recognized yet again I am going into depression again. I dont understand how or why but I seem to at least recognize I am getting into a funk. It seem to start right about the time the kids went back to school. I find myself sitting here all day long with nothing to do and no one to talk too.

I do enjoy being in Pittsburgh but honestly I dont have any friends here or family. I am struggling to find myself again and know what my purpose is in life. I have no goals and no natural sense to motivate myself to get up off my chair and live life.

I see so many people half my age who have already succeeded in life and have a path set for them. I am 35 years old now and have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. Will I ever grow up?

So why would any sane person right this kind of stuff down on here and admit to having so many issues. I dont really have anyone I can talk too when I feel this way and although it only happens a few times a year it does effect me to the point that I am miserable and I make those around me miserable as well.

I dont know what I need to get out of this particular funk sometimes it is obvious other times I figure it out over time. A good cry always helps me too but I am not ready to do that yet it is kind of my last resort fix.

I dont know if I hope someone reads this and replies or if I hope no one does and sees what a wacko I really am.

So tonight was the first episode of the new season and I found it to be full of surprises. I wasnt surprised that Dr. Sara wasnt dead. As there needs to be a love interest for Michael. I do find it unbelievable that so many people were intimidated by a screwdriver from a 1 handed T-bag. I cant believe they killed whats her name….lol yeah I can cause i cant even think of her name lol.I see many problems building for the flow of the show. I do expect to see a lot of Michael and Lincolns father thus year and do expect in the end that he will be the link that saves his sons. I like the new FBI agent and do see him as being more like the warden than the capt of the COs. I look forward to all of them getting to Utah and getting some much love from my Mormon peeps. Stay tuned for more updates weekly.

I am lacking in coverage of pretty much everything……But I do plan on revamping this website and changing its format and its look real soon……Please if you ream this leave a message and let me know I am not wasteing my time….

So in a nutshell here is a quick review….Pretty upset about both mens and womens OSU Bball teams losing early in the tournament. I loved last nights episode of LOST. I am hooked on all Bravo reality shows, Blowout, real wives of the OC, and Top Chef. I am looking forward to spring and golfing and BBQs. I will try to get back into this and try to give daily updates. P.S. Today was the best day ever with my kids…..they were very well behaved and played well together all day….so just a little shout out to Eli and Reagan….love you guys

I have had some horrific computer problems recently. As I installed mcafee virus scan on my computer and it found 9000 viruses and it took me 7 hours to remove the viruses by hand. Only to find out that it removed something very important. My ability to use the internet was destroyed somehow…. Well after trying everything I knew (nothing) I had some others look at it. It still isnt working but it is on its way to being fixed real soon (right Tony). Anyhow note to self I hate computers. I am using an apple mini mac right now which I find interestingly similar to IBM and less likely to crash every other day….
I will be doing a lot more blogging on a daily basis now though so come back to my site and visit often.

I am on google. I submitted my website yesterday for inclusion and now when you type conservative buckeye on there. I am the very first link. Funny enough my good friend Tony’s website Buttonmashing.com is the second link on the page.

Faith & Values

Brandon Lewis, 26, studies the Book of Mormon in a classroom of the new Institute of Religion near the Ohio State University campus.

Spiritual abundance

Way to go Brandon. Good job and what a good example you are to all of us. It is a good thing you were reading scriptures and not hitting on girls though. Makes you look a lot more intellectual.

These two shows are two of the funniest on T.V. (Scrubs is up there as well). I really enjoy 2 characters a lot.

First, there is Randy from My Name is Earl. He is by far the dumbest most loveable character since Barney Fife. His being afraid of chickens and the popes hat (just because it looks like a chicken could fit in the hat) was seriously one of the funniest bits I have ever seen on T.V. He adds a lot of humor to a show that is well written and even better delivered by the actors on the show. It is a must see show if ever there is one.

Second, is a guy that gets little acclaim for his job on the show The Office. He is known as Michaels #1 sidekick Dwight, He is a easily one of the best know it all and not know anything characters since Frank Burns from M.A.S.H. He is really that guy in every office everywhere that everyone hates and makes fun of all the time. He is oblivious to everything around him, Thankfully or he would definately go postal on the office for everything they do to him. When he was on his way to Michaels house to help him after he burned his foot in a George Foreman grill and he wrecked his 1985 Firebird into the light pole in the parking lot and then got out and threw up all over his sweet car and then drove off like nothing happened. I almost threw up myself from laughing so hard.

I implore any fan of good comedy and acting to please watch these 2 shows and hopefully you will enjoy them as much as I do.